Straight From The Horse's Mouth
by lady-mirfain
Summary: Asfaloth tells what REALLY happened. Main pairing AsfalothBill the pony.
1. Default Chapter

**Straight from the Horse's Mouth**

"So you think you know the story of the four Hobbits and their meeting with Strider and subsequent journey to Imladris, my home? I think not. I was there. I witnessed the entire thing. So sit back and get comfortable while I tell you the true story of what happened"

"Every year, my elf, Lord Glorfindel, makes a journey to visit with his old friend, Tom Bombadil. I am given the immense pleasure of carrying the over-weight beast on this pilgrimage. But that year was different."

"We arrived at Bombadil's only to find the place deserted. This had never stopped old Lard-butt from raiding the larder any other time and this was no different. He crept inside and I heard him rustling around. A short time later, he returned with what must have been half of old Tom's liquor cabinet."

"Well, this was no great surprise. I was more likely to find snow in July that to see old Lard-butt sober. He stowed the bottles in my saddlebags, leaving the food behind on finding there was not enough room. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief, which earned me a sharp slap on the rump.

sigh I so hate it when he does that. I am not a punching bag. sigh But I digress."

"He tried to mount. chuckle Try being the key word here. He ended up backwards in the saddle after 8 attempts and I promptly set out for my home. He did not mind the way he was seated for it allowed him unlimited access to the saddlebags and liquor and I was content to let him drink himself into oblivion, knowing I could get us, or at least myself, to safety if needed."

"Anyways, we arrived at Weathertop and paused to watch Gandalf's lightning show. Boy can he put on some really fine fireworks. I did not care for the black robed creatures who were watching as well, but their steeds were mighty fine and, after dumping Lard-butt on the ground, I proceeded to have a very nice time with the only mare that was there. She was quite a nice l….

cough Uhm, I guess, I should continue with my story."

"Well, in the morning, that cute little piece of a…., I mean cute little mare, was gone along with the black robed men. Gandalf the Grey and old Lard-butt were going at it like a pair of bunnies during mating season. Gandalf was calling out, 'Ride em, Cowboy', and Lard-butt was just grunting and moaning. They were quite an interesting sight, but I soon got bored and sneezed in their faces, effectively breaking them apart."

"Gandalf helped my elf get back into the saddle, with his clothes mostly fastened correctly, and told him to scout around for a band of midget hobos and their pimp. I thought this odd, until I noticed that they had been sharing a bottle of Tom's specialty, 'Happy Juice'. Why they call it this, I do not know. It should be called 'Idiot Juice' or 'Make a Fool of Myself Juice' but no, it got called 'Happy Juice'…"

"Well, I finally had enough of their kissing and fondling and decided to take matters into my own hands. I started after that cute little mare. I knew we were hours behind them due to the errr…. Extra-Curricular Activities that Gandalf and Lard-butt were engaged in, so I set off at a nice trot hoping to make up some of the lost time. She really was delectable."

"Would you not know it? I cannot believe him. Old Lard-butt had to pick that very time to fall asleep and tumble off into a hedge of brambles. And if that was not so bad, he landed seated, embedding thorns in his backside. sigh So, we made camp. He did some funny maneuvering to remove the thorns but finally had to give up. He could not get to them. That 'spare tire' was in his way."

"I did my best to take care of him for a couple of days, but his backside was becoming infected and there was no way I was going to touch it or let it touch me. I was seriously considering leaving him and returning home to get help, when who should appear?"

"No, it was not Santa Claus, or even a jolly elf. It was the midgets and their pimp. But the best part was the nice little thing they had brought with them. Bill, he said his name was and I definitely wanted to get to know him better. The midgets were cute little pests, although one was quite injured. It would seem that his last client was a bit rough with him and they were trying to get him to Lord Elrond the Gay.

Their pimp, the man the elves call Estel, is some kind of healer and he quickly pulled the briars from Glorfindel's rump and then proceeded to sooth it in the same manner Gandalf had. I bet they could hear them yelling and screaming all the way to Gondor."

"I shook my head at them, doused them with an open bottle of liquor to break them apart and then knelt for the midgets to get their injured buddy onto my back. sigh If that was not an experience.

Rising, I set off for the Ford of Bruinen, wanting to get across before Lard-butt realized who had wasted his precious liquor. I was suddenly alerted by a noise and stopped. Turning, I spied those creepy dudes from Weather-Top, you know the ones with the nice little mare. They had just shown up looking for some of Tom's Happy Juice. Lard-butt raged at them about stealing other folks' liquor. Unfortunately, his ranting was ruined when he tripped over the fire ring and accidentally set himself alight.

I was torn. I had the injured midget on my back and he really needed medical treatment, I had Bill, all lovely auburn hair and melting brown eyes, and I had the hot little piece I had already sampled. I did not know what to do."

"My mind was made up for me suddenly when the dark dudes turned, saw my passenger and luggage and yelled,

'After him. He has the liquor and that piece of arse we aren't finished with yet.'

Realizing they were the ones that had injured my passenger, I decided the best solution was to hightail it to the Last Homely House, which I proceeded to do."

"Of course, the dark dudes wanted what I had and came after me. I stood for a moment, drinking in the sight of the sweet little thing, until I saw that she had red eyes and decided I wanted nothing more to do with her. Spinning, I took off as fast as I could towards my stall. I wanted to go have a nice roll in the meadow grass after I had dumped this sack of potatoes at Lord Elrond the Gay's feet."

"Well, I easily out ran them. I am of Mearas descent after all. And I crossed the ford with no problem. Well, no problem until after I got across and the little pip squeak on my back decided to throw up on me. I had no choice but to dump him onto the ground. I turned to see how far behind me they were and smiled."

"Someone had been taking a fizzy bath in the river again and the timing could not have been better. Big waves of foam came coursing downstream. They even looked rather like great white horses. Do not believe Gandalf when he says he created it magically. I think he was getting rid of the evidence of his and Lard-butt's exertions before meeting up with Elrond the Gay."

"Laughing at the fact that none of the dark dudes's horses could swim, whimpy, inferior animals that they were, I turned and pranced to the stables, looking for a groom to give me a bath."

TBC


	2. SFTHM part 2

**Straight From The Horse's Mouth part 2**

"Are you still with me? Good. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I had gone in search of a groom to give me a bath, but I did not get far. "

"I was not very happy when I was stopped by the Bit…., er…, I mean Arwen Undomiel, the Evenstar of her people. All the fireflies caught in the sticky bun crumbs on her gown caused her to glow brighter than a bonfire. I just knew this would not go well, not well at all. She heaved herself onto my back and I grunted. She should definitely lay off the sticky buns."

"She forced me to return to the river, my legs trembling under the enormous weight I was carrying. Seeing the midget lying on the ground, she fell off, much to my relief, and waddled over to him. She then drug him over and heaved him onto my back, much to my dismay for he immediately emptied his stomach down my side again. I was never going to get clean!"

"Spying the rag tag group wading through the water, she perked up. In her nasally voice, she called out to Strider, urging him to hurry to her side. Now Strider was not overly fond of her, but since Elrond the Gay had taken him into his home as a little tyke, he had to make nice."

"When he grimaced and tried to run the other way, Lard-Butt did the nicest thing I have ever see him do. He tripped Arwen, causing her to fall face first into the river. I should add that this caused an ecological disaster. The masses of fish that died that day were too numerous to count, causing a famine in the valley."

"Well, I was forced to return to Imladris carrying the toad that had soiled my beautiful coat. But at least he was a much lighter load than I could have carried."

"When we got to the courtyard, my favorite elf in all the world was waiting, a scowl gracing his face."

"Erestor, the only elf that truly appreciated us horses, started yelling at the top of his lungs, wanting to know what had happened. Why was I soiled? Why was Arwen soaking wet? Who had killed the fish in the river? And why was his husband limping? I took this as my cue to once again dump my burden and hurry to the stables for Erestor in a snit was more terrifying than the Dark Lord himself and I knew that it would only get worse."

"Upon entering the stables, I headed for my stall, only to stop as there were curious rustlings and moans emitting from it. Peering over the stall wall, I was not in any way shocked to find Elrond the Gay going at it with my groom. sigh I had no choice. Once again I sneezed. For some reason, Elves do not like to have horse snot covering them. It works every time."

The two elves jumped up and stumbled out of my stall, pausing at the sight of me. My groom at least pulled on his leggings before stripping me of my tack and leading me out to get that much desired bath. Elrond cringed and ran to the courtyard to try and calm his chief advisor's rage."

"I was quite pleased when I returned, to find my stall cleaned and the bedding nice and fluffy. But the best part was that Bill had been given the stall next to mine. We had a nice long chat over our oats and hay, and then I decided to give him a tour of my home."

TBC


	3. SFTHM part 3

**Straight From The Horse's Mouth part 3**

"The following morning, Bill and I ambled through the meadow, just talking and sharing stories of our adventures. I cannot help that I embellished a bit but he seemed to greatly enjoy the tales. The more I talked, the more I pranced. I must say I felt extremely proud of myself, until I ran into the side of the stable."

"I swear that the building trembled as I had been doing my rendition of the Rohirrim cavalry charging after a band of orcs. My shoulder hurt and I wanted to cry. I was pleased, however when my favorite elf ran out of the house to see what had happened. Erestor fawned all over me and made me feel much better. But, best of all, he gave both Bill and I an apple. I knew I loved this elf for a reason."

"Bill asked me if I was married to Erestor and I sighed dreamily and told him that, until I had met him, that had been my deepest desire. Besides, Erestor was married to Haldir, the Lay of Lórien, and I never had a chance. It seems that elves frown upon multi-species marriages."

"Limping and drawing the sympathy of half of Imladris, I led Bill towards my favorite spot, overlooking the waterfalls. Then I froze, sensing the most fearsome danger I could imagine. It was one that I had endured countless times in the past and wanted no part of. Rumil the Randy suddenly landed on my back from his perch in a nearby tree.

'Asfaloth, my boy, let us go for a run,' he drawled drunkenly as he swayed from his precarious position."

"Bill, being the kind and beauteous hero that he is, surveyed the situation and laughed. Winking at he, he nuzzled Rúmil the Randy lightly and knocked him to the ground. Both of us about died of laughter because the elf seemed more concerned with protecting his bottle of liquor than himself."

"When Rúmil the Randy whipped out his pride and joy to make sure it was not broken, Bill and I decided to make a hasty exit, followed by the gasps and groans of Rúmil and his rosy palmer. I resumed showing Bill the beauty of the valley that was my home and finally we rounded the bend to the most beautiful location of all. Then we stopped dead in our tracks."

"There, in the peaceful meadow beside the waterfall, we discovered the secret of the valley. It answered questions that I had been pondering for millennia. Orophin the Orgasmic was bleaching his hair in the pool. Turning to Bill, I grinned.

'I knew it. The Lórien brothers are not true blonds. The twins and Arwen are Orophin's, not Elrond's. I KNEW IT!'"

"I explained to Bill that when Celebrían was still on Arda, Orophin had visited quite often. Elrond was known for his male lovers and when the twins were born with dark hair everyone had wondered. Orophin and his brothers were blond, or that is what everyone had believed. But we knew differently now."

"Since my spot was now contaminated, I led Bill to my second favorite location. Taking a different trail, as we did not want to interrupt Rúmil in his inspection, we arrived at the side of the Bruinen at the base of the greatest of the falls. We decided to take a swim and ran joyfully into the river. We spent quite some time playing in the water and enjoying ourselves immensely."

"Finally, we retired to the bank, exhausted from our randy play. Bill really was a BIG pony and I knew that my rump would remember him for the rest of our days. When we got out of the river, we shook ourselves and began to graze. I glanced at Bill, then did a double take.

'Uhm…… Bill? Were you not a beautiful chestnut?' I asked in confusion?"

"Bill, my beautiful Bill! I wanted to cry in agony. Orophin's bleach had so contaminated the water as to bleach my beautiful, glorious, well-hung Bill to a pale golden color. Not that this was not lovely, mind you. But still, I loved him the way he was. I screamed out my anger to the valar that this had happened and ran to comfort my beloved."

"Nibbling along Bill's neck, I whickered gently to comfort him. He nuzzled me in return and his chocolate brown eyes pleaded with me. Nipping along his back, I slowly moved into position and, as he lifted his tail, I returned the favor that he had done for me earlier in the water. We cried out our bliss, the screams echoing loudly through the valley and we both collapsed to the ground, our legs no longer able to support us. I nuzzled his side, wishing we could remain this way for eternity."

TBC


	4. SFTHM part 4

**Straight From The Horse's Mouth part 4**

"I am not boring you with my tale am I? I am most sorry if this is the case. Shall I continue? Yes, you say? Very well."

"Well, Bill and I spent 3 idyllic days in our meadow, grazing, resting and rutting. I had hoped we could stay that way forever, but it was not to happen. On the morning of the fourth day, we heard the warning bell, calling for a council, and our heads shot up. Around a mouthful of the sweet meadow grass, I asked Bill,

'Shall we go see what is up? I know of a spot where we will have an excellent view, be able to hear all that goes on, yet not be detected.'

At his nod, we set off rapidly, not wanting to miss a moment of what was to be a life changing event."

"Sneaking into the small wooded glade that surrounded the council patio, we were able to graze and listen and observe. I was not shocked to see Elrond, Aragorn, Lard-Butt, Gandalf and the dreamy Erestor, but I was shocked by the vast number of men and dwarves there. Turning to Bill, I whispered,

'Oh, this should be good. I have yet to see a council like this end without bloodshed. You watch. A dwarf will lose his beard before this is through.'"

"Settling in to observe, I rested my muzzle on Bill's back, comforted by his closeness. But we couldn't relax. Elrond the Gay started the meeting off by calling the secret council to order. I snorted and almost gave us away. I had noticed the little pip-squeak, Sam, hiding in the bushes, his trousers around his ankles and his hand flying. And from the other side of us, we could hear Merry and Pippin moaning and grunting as they rutted like bunnies."

"Elrond said some stupid garbage about a ring and the Doom of Middle Earth, and I knew this would be good. But it was all I could do to contain myself when I spotted the Nancy Prince of Mirkwood seated next to Lard-Butt.

'Bill, watch this. It ought to be good. He and Aragorn have been butt buddies for decades and Lard-Butt cannot seem to keep his hands to himself.'"

"When the Brawny Brat of Gondor opened his mouth to spew his garbage, I rolled my eyes, but Aragorn's reaction gained an even better response from the council. As he put the Brat down, I truly thought a fight was going to break out. The Brat snarked back and I saw flames shooting from Aragorn's eyes. But then that stupid Nancy Prince had to spoil my fun by leaping up to defend his lover."

"I lifted my head, alert, and nudged Bill.

'Oh, look. Can you not see it. Legolas is drooling over Aragorn and wants to jump him right here and now. I bet he has never seen him this clean before. Oh, wait, there is a slight frown. He must have just realized that Aragorn washed his hair. They will not have any oil.'"

"Bill was trembling with laughter and doing his best to not make a sound. I nuzzled him tenderly while I held in my own mirth and watched panic cross the face of the Future King of Gondor. When he told Legolas to sit down and shut up, the pout that bloomed on the Nancy Prince's face was so delightful that I wanted to laugh out loud. I did manage to convert my mirth into a small, quiet snort that was covered by Elrond's growl of warning to his future son-in-law."

"Did Elrond not know about those two? How could it possibly have escaped him. Then suddenly, it hit me. Elrond was jealous. He wanted the Nancy Prince for himself! Turning my attention back to Legolas, I watched him take a good look at the Brat and I could hear the gears turning in his head. Aragorn may have washed his hair, but the Brat's was almost dripping with oil. If Legolas could have lowered himself to drool, I truly think he would have."

"I whispered into Bill's ear,

'I bet you that the Nancy Prince will have the Brat on his back before night fall. You just wait and see.'

Bill could not control his laughter at this observation, but luckily, Gandalf rose to fight Legolas for the right to the Brat."

"When Legolas got to his feet, his leggings did not and he flashed the council. It would appear that his hand had been busy dealing with his fantasies. The reaction of the council was instantaneous. Everyone was suddenly on their feet fighting over the right to the Prince. Well, everyone but Elrond the Gay, who had drool dripping from his chin, and my beloved Erestor, who I noticed had slipped off into the bushes. I figured he was servicing Haldir and could not be bothered about the Prince."

"When Frodo suddenly stepped forward claiming he wanted to take it in the rear, the council stopped in shock. Not a peep could be heard until Gandalf stepped forward.

'I will help ease the way,' he offered.

He was apparently overjoyed at the thought of finally getting to touch the Jewel of Mirkwood. The look on the Nancy Prince's face was comical however. He had the Brat on his knees before him and he was torn between his current pleasure and the thought of the tight ride to him."

"When the Future King of Gondor volunteered to sheath his sword in Frodo instead, I almost collapsed in laughter. The look on Elrond's face was too funny. Legolas looked horrified at the thought of loosing out and jumped up to offer his services to Frodo. Gimli the midget, er I mean Dwarf, offered to cut the Jewel of Mirkwood off with his axe if the Nancy Prince did not get in line like everyone else. Boromir the Brat pouted like a two year old and followed Legolas like a puppy, offering his services to any and all."

"But then the weirdest thing of all happened. Sam screamed and ran to save Frodo from the Wicked Prince of the Northeast. And not to be outdone, Merry came in, dragging Pippin tied up in a sack. At this, Elrond called an end to the council and the entire group became a free for all orgy."

"Shaking my head sadly, I watched the Lórien brothers and Erestor suddenly appear and join in. My heart heavy at the actions of my beloved elf, I led Bill off to the stables where we shared a nice meal of hay and oats before chatting for the rest of the evening, amongst other things."

TBC


End file.
